Living someone else’s life. That has most definitely been my problem.
What I have learned is this: one day, you will learn that you’ve done too much for someone, that eventually you will see that you aren’t giving up, it’s just that you have nothing left to give. It will become clear that the only thing you can do is walk away and stop doing everything. This is called drawing the line, drawing the line between determination and desperation. I’ve learned that the things that are meant to be yours, eventually will be, and what is not yours, no matter how hard you try, never will be.
So yes. This is hard; this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It isn’t easy to just stop. It isn’t easy to walk away from something to which you have devoted hours and hours of your life. But what would be better if I stayed? Would I be better? Would I be happier?
I never believed this before, but in the end, all you have is YOU.
Just you. Only you can determine your fate, your future, and your dreams – unless, of course, you let someone dictate that for you. But eventually, that will get old and you will be alone. You will have you. You will have your brain. You will have your thoughts. And what you choose to do with those things is up to YOU.
Let me tell you. Depression is real. Anxiety is real. They make medications for these things, yes. They have counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists all over the world that you can talk to every single day. But if YOU are not determined to feel better, no matter how many drugs you take, you will never get better.
This isn’t to make you feel bad, okay. This is just to remind you that if you want to achieve your dreams, no one is going to push you but you. Your friends, your family, your whoever can encourage you and support you, but if you don’t truly want it and motivate yourself, you won’t reach your goals. So in the end, being happy is a choice. Letting go is a choice, and trust me, this hasn’t been easy for me to accept.
I had to let go of something I dedicated my life to – even if it was the right thing to do – and it was and is still extremely difficult. Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m terribly angry. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I want to give up. But I know that if I ever want to get where I’ve always wanted to go, I have to push myself. And yeah, that means waking up every single day and counting my blessings to remind myself to be positive. And yeah, that means talking myself out of my sadness and my anger sometimes so I can accomplish what I need to do.
From letting this go, I’ve reminded myself that I matter. That I am the most important thing in my life, because without me, I wouldn’t have a life. If I didn’t take care of myself, there would be no point to living. If I followed what everyone else wanted of me, I wouldn’t have a purpose. Everything else is secondary to that, to what I need. Trust me, that isn’t selfish; everyone deserves it.